


From the Desk of N. Fury

by Sholio



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Bureaucracy, Epistolary, Gen, Podfic Available, nick fury regrets his life choices
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-05
Updated: 2014-08-05
Packaged: 2018-02-11 21:12:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2083326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sholio/pseuds/Sholio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Nicholas J. Fury vs. SHIELD bureaucracy.</p>
            </blockquote>





	From the Desk of N. Fury

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nickelmountain](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nickelmountain/gifts).



> Warnings - profanity (SO MUCH PROFANITY). Thanks to SL for the basic plot idea. You rock!

**Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Just a polite reminder, sir, that the SHIELD incident reports need to be updated and are currently more than 6 months overdue. Also, employee evaluations are due at the end of the quarter, which is also the end of the 2013 fiscal year.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** This is a not-so-polite reminder that I'm busy saving the fucking world so I'll get to it in my own time and since when do we have employee reviews anyway? And why is it my problem?

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Most evaluations are done by division supervisors in coordination with HR, but the Records Division also needs evaluations for the division heads as well as employees who report directly to you. At the risk of bringing up a sore subject, in the past this was handled by Agent Coulson, who also responded to most internal memos, which is why we are dealing directly with you now. The necessary form is attached.  
_[Attachment: Form 300A]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** BUSY.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Sir, it's been two weeks and this is a gentle reminder that we really need those forms by the end of the quarter. Which is 3 days away, fyi. Employees for whom we are still missing evaluation forms include N. Romanova, M. Hill, C. Barton and S. Rogers.  
_[Attachment: Form 300A]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** Are you seriously telling me that CAPTAIN FUCKING AMERICA needs an employee evaluation. Are you shitting me.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Once again, evaluations are due by the 31st.  
_[Attachment: Form 300A]_

 **Annual Employee Evaluation - Form 300A**  
Name:  Steven G. Rogers  
Codename: Captain fucking america  
Supervisor: Nicholas J. motherfucking Fury  
Division: Avengers Initiative  
Rank: Captain fucking america  
Clearance Level: 8  
_Performance_  
General Conduct of Duties:  10  
Dependability: 10  
Teamwork: 6  
Leadership: 9  
Prospect of Career Advancement: Advancement to WHAT? What in the name of Jesus's left ass cheek do you expect me to promote Captain America to, Captain fucking PLANET?  
Employee strengths: He's captain motherfucking america.  
Areas for improvement: Could stand to be less of a mouthy little shit.  
Employee improvement action plan: ?????  
Notes: fuck ME, these forms are a waste of time and you better believe I am bringing this up at the next division head meeting.

 **Internal Records Division Memo**  
**To:** Royce, Kathryn - Subhead Records Division A  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** K - see attached form. May require a bit more than just running subroutine fury-alpha (profanity removal) before filing. Please revise according to your discretion. Thx.  
_[Attachment - Form 300A-Rogers]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** I have not yet received evaluations for N. Romanova, C. Barton, or for the division heads. Evaluations are due by the 31st.  
_[Attachment: Form 300A]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** I fucking well know what I'm writing on YOURS.

 **Annual Employee Evaluation - Form 300A**  
Name:  Natalia Alianovna Romanova  
Codename: Black Widow  
Supervisor: Nicholas J. Fury  
Division: Field Operations, Avengers Initiative  
Rank: what  
Clearance Level: 8  
_Performance_  
General Conduct of Duties:  10  
Teamwork: not  
Leadership: fucking  
Prospect of Career Advancement: applicable  
Employee strengths: do I really need to put anything here  
Areas for improvement: ffffffffffff  
Employee improvement action plan: fuck this  
Notes: fuck this too

 **Internal Records Division Memo**  
**To:** Royce, Kathryn - Subhead Records Division A  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** K- you really have your work cut out with this one. Sorry.  
_[Attachment: Form 300A-Romanova]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Experience tells me I'll regret asking this, but reviewing the references to the Avengers Initiative on the forms you've returned, I'm not actually clear on whether the Avengers NOT directly employed by SHIELD are considered employees or not for administrative purposes. If so, I'm going to need evaluations on file for the rest of them.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** MOTHER FFFFFFFF

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** Christ on a pogo stick, you want me to do an evaluation for Tony Stark? Are you people fucking HIGH down there?

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** actually I take that back. I'll be happy to do one for Stark. It's a freebie cause I'm nice like that.

 **Annual Employee Evaluation - Form 300A**  
Name:  Anthony Stark  
Codename: enormous iron-plated pain in my ass  
Supervisor: Pepper Potts, probably  
Division: Avengers Initiative  
Rank: human disaster  
Clearance Level: n/a  
_Performance_  
General Conduct of Duties:  1  
Teamwork: -1,000,000  
Leadership: 3 (yes, I'll give him that)  
Prospect of Career Advancement: hahahahahahahahaha  
Employee strengths: none  
Areas for improvement: his whole goddamn life  
Employee improvement action plan: not fucking likely  
Notes: :)

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Upon reflection, Records does not need evaluation forms for any employees who don't collect a SHIELD paycheck.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** Good to see we're on the same page. :)

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** However, we DO still need forms for C. Barton and M. Hill, as well as division heads and anyone with clearance level 9 or above. By the 31st. That's tomorrow, fyi.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** GOD FUCKING DAMN IT.

 **Annual Employee Evaluation - Form 300A**  
Name:  Clint Barton  
Codename: Hawkeye  
Supervisor: Nicholas Fury  
Division: Field Operations, Avengers Initiative  
Rank: n/a  
Clearance Level: 8  
_Performance_  
General Conduct of Duties:  10  
Teamwork: 7  
Leadership: ?  
Prospect of Career Advancement: who makes these questions up  
Employee strengths: damn good agent but don't tell him I said so  
Areas for improvement: weapons training in something that was state of the art more recently than 1000 BC  
Employee improvement action plan: see above  
Notes: WHOEVER DESIGNED THIS FORM IS FIRED

**Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** Here's Barton's fucking waste of time form. You can do Hill's. Just give her all 10s. Maybe 15 on the leadership one.  
_[Attachment: Form 300A-ClintBartonHawkeye]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** The scale only goes up to 10.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** DID I FUCKING STUTTER

 **Internal Records Division Memo**  
**To:** Royce, Kathryn - Subhead Records Division A  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** K- barton's  & hill's forms are attached. These ones don't need too much massaging. Hill's can be put in as-is. Also, you remember when I got bumped up to division head and how I was all excited about it? Ha. Ha. Ha. /bitterlaugh  
GOD KATHRYN, I NEED A DRINK SO BAD.  
_[Attachments: Form 300A-Barton, Form 300A-Hill]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Division head evaluations need to be turned in today. And while I am aware that incident reports will be turned in when you have time and world-saving takes priority, the one report we REALLY need to file by the end of the fiscal year is the field report on the Battle of New York. All the other agent reports have been turned in. It's yours we still need.  
_[Attachments: Form 300A, Form 4500C19-Field Report Short Form]_

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** What, explaining myself to the WSC and two, count em two Congressional committees wasn't enough?!

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** No.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** That was unprofessional. I apologize. Look, if it helps, it's for posterity. Future SHIELD agents are going to study those reports, and not only that, but it'll probably all be declassified one day, and the whole world will read it. This is your chance to tell your side of the story for future generations of historians. Do you really want the World Security Council and Congress to be the only ones who control what goes into the history books? I'm not just doing this because I like to torment you.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Records  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** I could almost believe that last memo was from an actual person rather than some kind of AI. You drinking down there, Zhao?

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Yes. Yes, I have a bottle of 20-year-old scotch and I am drinking it, because it's 11:45 p.m. and THEORETICALLY I can get all of this in by midnight but hahahaha, no, THAT'S not happening since, believe it or not, out of 14 division heads plus you, you are actually the one who came the closest to turning in everything I needed in enough time for me to actually do all the data-entry-filing-etc to make the deadline. SO YES I AM DRINKING, SIR. I HAVE DRUNK A LOT AND I AM GOING TO DRINK MORE. DO YOU WANT TO MAKE SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** A. Zhao  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:**  
Point 1- calm down.  
Point 2- it's an arbitrary deadline, Zhao, and you fucking know it. Who's gonna care? The WSC? They don't give a shit about anything we do unless something is blowing up in a major city or otherwise likely to embarrass them in front of their taxpayers. I hope it's abundantly clear by now that I sure as hell don't give a fuck if some paperwork gets filed on time or not, provided it's not vital to some overseas agent getting their backup in time. Hill might care, but I pay her to care about things like that so no one else has to.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** A. Zhao  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** It's midnight. Still here?

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Still fucking here, sir, and very likely to be here all night, or until I get too drunk to type.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** wanna make something of it

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** A. Zhao  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** I was gonna ask if you had two glasses for that Scotch. There is no fucking way I can write a report on the Chitauri invasion sober. You're down in Records, right?

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Actually I am in the 15th floor meeting room, because I needed room to spread a year's worth of paperwork around and it also has the most comfortable chairs. 

**Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** And yes, I think I can find another glass.

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** Fury, Nicholas J. - Director  
**From:** Zhao, Amber - Head of Records  
**Body:** Actually it's more of a coffee mug that says "I  <3 Arrows"

 **Internal SHIELD Memo**  
**To:** A. Zhao  
**From:** N. Fury  
**Body:** That mug better be full by the time I get there, and I'm not talking coffee.

 **Annual Employee Evaluation - Form 300A**  
Name:  Amber C. Zhao  
Codename: n/a  
Supervisor: Maria Hill  
Division: Records  
Rank: Division Head  
Clearance Level: 8  
_Performance_  
General Conduct of Duties:  9  
Teamwork: 7  
Leadership: 8  
Prospect of Career Advancement: 10  
Employee strengths: Conscientious, attentive to detail  
Areas for improvement: Unbend a bit, remove stick from ass  
Employee improvement action plan: Stick removal prospects seem good  
Notes: See Hill about possible upgrade to Level 9 clearance. Next year bring 2 bottles.

**Author's Note:**

> I can also be found [on tumblr](http://laylainalaska.tumblr.com) (with a fic announcement blog at [sholiofic](http://sholiofic.tumblr.com)). Feel free to drop by!

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End file.
